My wonderful Yoga Tree Family,
I have started to write you so many times but nothing is coming out clearly, yet.
This came out instead, so here is a poem (of sorts) written by me.
Sorry for my Silence. I will be here a while.
I love to learn new things and
often when I do
I get excited and passionate
and full of dreams of
“What it will be like when…”
and then I get a wobbly shy feeling and
a Who-am-I to have an opinion that matters? feeling
That oh-so familiar imposter syndrome stamps
out my vision and action and voice.
Sorry for my Silence. I will be here a while.
So I hide my new knowledge, unused
like a pair of going-out shoes
in the back of closet with a burnt out light bulb
along with snacks I’ve eaten when not even hungry,
and lies told to people I love so that they will love me back.
I am not proud of that cavernous, cluttered space.
It is where lots of grand ideas are put
because I do not know how to
be brave and bring my un-perfect learning out
in the fresh air.
And this time I will.
I will be part of the Vocal.
Being part of those who CAN speak up
and do use their voice
means I WILL be part of the Criticized.
(oh how I dislike this part)…
This I know is true: I will not do it right
for everyone. No matter how hard
I try to guess what each of you wants me to say.
Someone will like it (oh what a relief);
someone else won’t (where can I hide?).
My trauma is here. So here I will stay.
I will do the inner work in order to do the outer work
Sorry for my Silence. And, If you could hear
my thoughts you would know how far from silent it is in here.
Each day I try feeling it all for long enough to break free of
my guesswork and my habit of
how-to-be-a-good-girl,
a friend-to-all, a threat-to-no-one
and I settle down to learn from
and with others who will give me permission
to heal, to learn, and to get it wrong.
Sorry for my Silence. I have lots to say and I will still listen.
Sarah Ittmann Leite –This is my pre-work as a privileged, white, cis female.
A true poet, educator, and author: Clint Smith inspired me in his Ted Talk The Danger of Silence nearly 6 years ago, and is just as pertinent now as ever.
I’m hoping to hear from you, your thoughts or feeling (especially your feelings –I have experienced more personal growth when I move my awareness below the neck), what you’re reading, and anything else that you’re inspired to share with me.
Love,
Sarah